Big Love... Big Bummer

Ok so I know this is going to sound completely ridiculous but I am super down that Big Love ended last night.  Like stupid down.  I don't know what it was about that show, but I was so attached to those characters.  It was so well written and had the best actors.  I guess I also liked it because I didn't really know anyone else that watched it.  So it felt like my show.  I was watching the finale last night with my hubby who had never seen it, and almost felt like it was an invasion of space.  And yes, I realize how ridiculous this is all sounding but I am really going to miss that show! There's not many shows I've gotten attached to... Sex and the City and My So-Called Life are two that were hard to let go of, but this feels so much more painful!  I know... so silly but I guess while the show premise was so far away from anything I've ever known, there were things about each character that I could identify with and felt comfort in watching.  I could go on about what I hoped would happen to each person but it doesn't really matter.  I just wish it hadn't ended.... sad face.

Too much caffeine....

I have the jitters at my desk today.  My little Abby is sick and the last few nights have been brutal.  Well, really the last few nights of the last 3 years have been brutal, since being preggo with Abby in '07.  But she's had an awful cough and last night it scared the crap out of me.  Every 5 minutes, shoes on to go to the ER, shoes off because she fell asleep.  Shoes on five minutes later, shoes off..... So to battle the fatigue I am now feeling, I had a white mocha.  And now feel so jittery that my mind is racing and nails are bit short.  I'm torn between heading home right after work to rest, as I know I am sleep deprived, or torturing myself with the gym for an hour before heading home.  Don't know...

Separate note; I have been off Facebook for the last 5 days now.  Just decided to quit cold turkey and frankly its refreshing.  No one seems to miss me, and I'm not missing anyone either.  All I hear about it social network this and that and since I work in print advertising, which is about to become extinct, I'm starting to hate the internet and all it has to offer, including putting me out of a job.  Newspapers are going down in circ, people are all online all the time with aps, and no one wants their junk mail in their actual mailbox.  Which sucks for me.  But with the exception of this, I find myself wanting to stay off the internet.  Except for TMZ, my guiltiest pleasure.  Although the fact that I checked it 7 times today already tells me I might need to quit this too.  But blogging here shouldn't matter, considering no one knows about it but me.

I do wish I could do something interesting on this... problem is I have no idea how to make anything look nice, have no time to figure it out, and apparently have nothing valuable to contribute.  I've seen other blogs on here and am jealous that I could not come up with something as creative.  But whatever... sometimes its nice to be boring I guess with all else going on in life. 

So yeah, too much caffiene...

Going to be a sounding board...

So it took me a few months, but this board is becoming my vent board.  I wanted to be artsy and organic here and basically be something I'm not.  I wanted to come up with positive posts only, but lets face it... that's just not life.  And since my health insurance has raised my personal counseling to $156 per visit, as a mom of four, that's no longer an option.  So congratulations, blog and perhaps one or two readers, I have now hired you as my therapist.  And right now..... I need to vent.  I promise in the future, I will come up with something more inspiring but today is all about venting a letting it out...

Today started off with me looking super cute.  New dress that I felt confident in that has now become so binding after a salad and NF white mocha, that I need to go and get my gym clothes on.  Too bad my work has a corporate dress code where sweats might get me fired.  Ugh, I feel like I need to breathe and can't.  Following this entry, if you're looking for me, I'll be hiding in one of the bathroom stalls naked because I have to take a break from feeling like sausage meat shoved in a casing.  And I looked so good earlier...stupid me should have known not to eat today.  Although I shouldn't be so hard on myself... at least my hair is still in tact.

So while I was looking super cute earlier, I was (and am still) massively pissed off.  My darling husband (who I will call DH) was not so darling last night at all and I am so tired of our ups and downs.  And yes, I know, marriage is filled with ups and downs, but I'm getting motion sickness from this roller coaster already.  So last night I get off work at 5, make it to the grocery store at 6, and am home by 630 to start cooking a yummy seafood bisque for DH, DSS (darling step son), and one of my DD (darling daughters, other DD is too young to eat bisque).  So we finally sit down to eat at 730, enjoy the meal, and spend the next hour enjoying family time; read to the girls watched Survivor, Modern Family, and slowly drank a glass of wine.  And then, it hits.  The night was too calm and relaxing and so DH comes down on me for something and totally unfair, and BOOM- night ruined.  I do so much for our family, am so much more the caretaker for anyone than he is, and I still have to get crap.  And it was totally unwarranted!  It was like an attack from no where and so stupid.  Of course resulting in him on the couch, me in bed, but honestly was something I preferred at that point.  It's just irratating to put forth effort to get treated badly, especially when I have done so much.  Whatever.  He sucks.

Ok, got it out for now.  Now time to get out of this dress for a few minutes.  Hopefully I can get it back on... until next time Dr. Blog, thanks for the session.

Need to write it out....

Today is not feeling like the best day.  Don't know if its my hormones still adjusting to having my 2nd daughter 6 months ago, don't know if it was the plethora of mean coming from my 12 year old (step)son, the lack of sleep, recoving from the move last weekend, some of the above, or none of the above.  But I feel crappy today and have to vent it out to someone.  Lucky You.

There are a million and one things to do and frankly I would like to go into my mini-van right now, put on a dvd (which will most likely be a Disney or Dora movie but I could care less), and just ignore everything I have going on right now.  Ugh.  Things to return. Things to put away.  Things to move.  Things to buy.  Things to drive me crazy. Red things, blue things, things things things.

The worst part of this rain cloud hanging over me right now is that it is totally affecting every part of my life.  I'm snappy with my kids, unloving towards my husband, and even being mean to myself if that's even possible. 

My stepson who I have raised as my own for 9 years (over 50% of that time he was with me and my hubby full time) said horrible things to me on Saturday that are still echoing in my brain.  And I know he's 12 and one would think that a 30 year old woman would not be rocked by ridiculous insults of a 12 year old boy, but admittedly I have been.  And then my 27 year old brother calls me yesterday to tell me that because I won't see my parents and grandparents on Christmas day I am single-handedly ruining his and their Christmas.  All of these comments just devastated me this weekend and I am coming to tears yet again over what was said.  Ugh Calgon take me away.  Anyone take me away. Bueller?

So my boss just came over and brought me something and saw that I'm not working.  So I guess before Security answers my call above and takes me away, it's time to sign off this sunshine of a post.  Hope your day is going better than mine. 

Rabbits Rabbits Rabbits

When I was growing up in Connecticut, my fouth grade teacher's name was Mrs. Fairchild.  She was the first teacher I ever got in trouble with (for talking, imagine that?) and had a beehive hair-don't.  It's still the only beehive I've ever really seen that mirrors the styles of the '60s.  But one thing that I also remember about Mrs. Fairchild was that on the 1st of every month, she would say "Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits" for good luck.  She said if it was the first thing you said on the first day of the month, you'd have good luck all month long.  And here I am, 21 years older, and still saying "rabbits, rabbits, rabbits" on days like today.  Now since there are four children in my household, the first thing I usually utter upon being woken is either "You peed where?" or "Didn't I just feed you?".  However, it won't take long for me to remember and by 8am, I will have at least said it.  May not give me a a whole month of luck, but I got to at least get some good days for trying.  Funny thing is, I've told my kids this story about Mrs. Fairchild over and over, and now I can hear them whisper it to themselves when they wake up.  So thank you Mrs. Fairchild for the memories and helping me create new ones with my kids.  Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits.

Day One.. how am I doing?

So I have been thinking about starting this blog for a while but have felt completely clueless where to go with it.  I guess the first place to start is with my title, My Wonder Years.  If you remember the show The Wonder Years (starring my first crush Fred Savage as Kevin), then you'll remember that throughout each episode there would be an older voice narrating the story.  Well this online journaling is going to be just like that narrator.  But instead of the audience hearing it, they can read it.  Actually, I think Sex and the City stole a little bit of this premise for a show, except Carrie Bradshaw would put her inner monolugue into her column.  I promise I will not end each entry with, "But I can't help but wonder....."

But really, who will be reading this?  I literally could not sleep right away last night because I started wondering- oops, there's that word- would this be more for my own sanity, for the people of my past, or the people I don't know and probably won't know?  Obviously, I'm a bit lost right now, but I'm gonna type it out and hopefully get somewhere. 

As far as content, I haven't been able to pick a direction.  There are a lot of hats I wear: I'm married, I'm a mommy, I'm a step-mommy, I work full time, and I am a super-hero.  Ok, so the last one is a bit of a stretch, but there will be a post about that title some day and it will make sense to you. But in addition to these titles, there are things I struggle with like spirituality, regret, stress, and peace of mind.  Don't get me wrong- I'm not typing this from the ledge or anything.  But sometimes I wish I could afford a really great therapist and let it all out.  Mabye I should have titled this blog "Black Leather Couch" because I'm sure this will serve as therapy at some point.

Unfortunately for the reader (if there is one) I'm not clever like the girl in Julie and Julia who came up with a brilliant blog plan.  No, there will be no movie made of this journal.  But I would like there to be some experiment here.... I've thought about putting ridiculous topics into a hat and picking one each week. I've thought about gearing this only towards being mom/step-mom.  I've thought about making this my vent-board so that I only complain here and not out loud anymore (yeah, like that could happen). And I've also thought about.... well the list could go on and on.  Clearly there is no focus yet, but I'll figure out it soon enough I'm sure.

So, congratulations to me; I did it.  I blogged.  But I couldn't help but wonder... haha, just kidding.